“Jay-Z is black black. He is old-school double-dark-chocolate-chunk black.”

The February issue of Esquire features a profile on Jay-Z written by some dumb broad where, among other ridiculous things, the author—I don’t even know what the hell to call it—”defines”? “describes”? Jay-Z’s blackness on a scale that seems to be influenced by the writer’s knowledge of the 31 flavors and/or her expertise with Crayola colors. Also throughout the article she cites shady sources and disses the “Jigga Man”‘s fans as being a little “uncool.” Lisa Taddeo the aforementioned dumb broad’s real name, evidently a communications major at Harry Reid University, reaches the height of her stupidity with this painfully superficial, awkward statement:

Jay-Z is black black. He is old-school double-dark-chocolate-chunk black. He is black the way Labatt is blue. He is not white black, Barack black, like our president. Or the kind of black that doesn’t curse and deplores the n-word, the genteel black, like Oprah. He is, arguably, the first black-black guy to cross over into Oprah-land and Bill Clintonworld without making the Oprah-sized no-look-back forward flip that means you’re selling not necessarily your soul but perhaps something fleshier, a little more external.

WHAT. THE. FUCK?

Hey, wait, do you hear that? Sshhh. Listen. Yeah, that’s what I thought: It’s Frantz Fanon rolling in his fucking grave.

Normally, I’d rip this feeble-minded bitch a new one based on her atrocious writing style alone (“Along the way, Damon Dash’s influence began to wave its tired arms from a lifeboat somewhere off the coast of Jay-Zion”), nevermind the poor quality of her thoughts (“He’s black and also liquid-shiny like the mimetic shape-shifting bad guy in Terminator 2,”), but I’ve got bigger moose to kill. And this pretty much sums it up for me. Indeed, Taddeo writes “like a drunk college freshman with three weeks of Journalism 101 under her belt.” Anyway, responding to all the criticism is Dumb Broad #2 Esquire editor Tyler Cabot who says this “playful use of the English language is far too rare these days. Lisa’s writing is both ambitious and entertaining.” Ummm no, fucker. Let me tell you something: David Foster Wallace’s writing is “ambitious and entertaining” and if he were alive to read this shit in a magazine he once wrote for he’d fucking kill himself—again!

* * *

Human language appears to be a unique phenomenon, without significant analogue in the animal world.–Noam Chomsky

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