OVIE NIGHT is something that our family has been doing for many, many years now. Since we were all kids, really. It’s kinda funny, the way we grew up.

You see, Saturday was cleaning day. And it was also family movie night. So we’d get up early in the morning (real early, like if you woke up at 9AM you were already late and in trouble), clean the apartment a l l  d a y (until dinner) and then after we got all cleaned up, we’d sit down, have dinner at the table and then watch a movie afterwards. My father picked the movies so we always watched whatever he wanted to watch that night. No questions asked. And what my father wanted to watch were movies like In the Line of Fire, Death Wish, Rambo, Missing in Action, Kickboxer, The Way of the Dragon,  and you know,  just all the action movies you could think of.

My father’s pretty much a one-genre kinda man. He likes horror and violence and he loves a film that can deliver both. He’s not necessarily for blood and guts and all that, he prefers great action sequences and the awesomely bad badassery of movies with stars like Charles Bronson, Steve McQueen, Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal, Clint Eastwood, Jean Claude Van Damme etc., etc., etc. Thanks to him, we had Schwarzenegger, Stallone, and Jean Claude Van Damme posters in our rooms, and probably the greatest library of action films from the last 40 years in all the South Bronx.

We got through all the Rocky‘s and the Rambo‘s while I was in elementary school. I watched Pulp Fiction before I was ten. I probably watched Natural Born Killers and The Shaolin Temple when I was 8. Reservoir Dogs? The Godfather? Braveheart? The Silence of the Lambs? Yeah. We watched them all.

But nobody, and I mean NOBODY came close to Bruce Lee in our house. Bruce Lee was the all-time favorite and we watched his films over and over and over again. The Big Boss, Fists of Fury, The Way of the Dragon, Game of Death, Enter the Dragon. These were the films I grew up with. (I mean yeah, we also watched the classic Disney films: The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Pocahantas and crap like that, but NEVER on family movie night.) These were the words we went quoting all around the house:

“You have offended my family and you have offended the Shaolin Temple.”

Man. We’d hear Lee say that to Han during that classic scene in the house of mirrors and my father would always go “Coño, ahora le va a meter una pela a ese tipo!” (Motherfucker’s gonna get an ass-whoopin!) ;-)

To this day my sister and I laugh whenever our friends or someone our age starts reminiscing about the shows on Nickelodeon or some other kids channel they used to watch. We seriously don’t know anything about that. We have no clue what they’re talking about. All these shows, all these characters and they just don’t ring a bell. And then we tell them all about our family movie night and the stuff we watched as kids. . .and laugh some more. So this Clarissa chick can “explain it all,” but um, can she kick your ass? Bruce Lee can kick your ass. He can do push-ups with just his thumbs. He will kill you just by using his mind or something. How do you like that?!

Lee in my favorite movie, Game of Death.

We also remember the time we went to some chick’s birthday party or something, and some of the kids decide they wanna watch a movie. So the birthday girl asks us what we wanna watch and my sister and I go “action movies! ! !” and she and practically everyone else looks at us like we’re crazy. I guess “action movie” is also a name for porn? I don’t know.  But she definitely thought we were asking for porn. And even after we explained what we meant–Bloodsport, Enter the Dragon, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly–she still looked at us like we were crazy. So we look at her like “Oh yeah?! Take your Doug and your Rugrats and your Kenan & Kel and all that other Nickelodeon shit and shove it! Team JCVD all the way!”

Not really. But that’s definitely what I’d say to her today. ;-)

This is Bruce Lee we’re talking about here, people. Bruce fucking Lee. The man who brought martial arts to America with the The Green Hornet: an awesome television show from the 1960s, based off the comic book of the same name and starring Van Williams as the title character and Lee as his bodyguard Kato. (Yes. We watched the TV Show, too.) Bruce Lee. The only man who can actually do all the cool shit he does in his movies in real life. Shit like this:

I mean, there’s a reason they used a fucking dummy to film that scene with Lee.

Many years later, our tradition continues, and we still get together once a week or so, and have a quality family movie night. On Mother’s Day we had an action packed 80s double feature: Bloodsport and Kickboxer. On Thanksgiving we watched Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and on Christmas we began our Tony Jaa movie marathon: Ong-Bak 1, 2 and 3. Right now we are watching the last of the Ip-Man movies, which are based on the life of Bruce Lee’s master.

And now that I see they have done a movie remake of The Green Hornet starring that chubby guy from all those movies I can’t stand and who’s not funny Seth Rogen, and T(aiwanese)-Pop Superstar Jay Chou, I am deeply disappointed. But mostly pissed off. Are you fucking kidding me? It’s one thing for you to do a shitty remake of a classic flim like Clash of the Titans (which was utterly atrocious), and it’s another thing for you to completely butcher the legacy of the greatest action hero of all time. Even though I loves me some Jay Chou. (He’s cute as hell, and I’ve been listening to his music for a couple of years now. Yeah, no. I don’t understand anything he says in his songs, but I definitely know all the words, ha ha! It’s kind of hilarious. This song is my favorite. Hey, we’re all entitled to one cheesy pop star and I’d take Jay Chou–OMG or Rain–over that dumbass Katy Perry or Ke$h@ any day.) Anyway, I’m sure Chou makes a pretty decent Kato. But that’s not enough to get me to go see this ridiculous movie; I can only imagine what kind of hackneyed, contrived plot “writer/actor” Rogen half-assed dreamed up and has the nerve to charge people to watch. He clearly has no understanding of Bruce Lee’s life, philosophy, and career if he decided that making a 3D adaption of his work was a good idea.

I’m not sure which clichéd expression is befitting for this occassion. On the one hand, Bruce Lee could be rolling in his grave right now, offended by this remake of The Green Hornet. Or, he could be ROTFLHFAO: rolling on the floor laughing his fucking ass off!

My guess is, if Seth Rogen has anything to do with it, it’s probably not the latter.


One thought on “Bruce Lee Is Rolling

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