You know what I fucking hate? I hate it when women drench themselves in perfume. Oh. My. God. What the fuck is that shit about, huh?

  

I’m sitting in the train on my way into the city this morning when some chick drenched in fucking perfume sits next to me. First of all, I can’t stand it when someone forces her way on and squeezes into a seat on the train she clearly can’t fit into. Um, you obviously cannot fit in this seat, but you sit there anyway? That’s just fucking rude. To make matters worse, then she expects me to make room for her fat butt. She sucks her teeth. She lets out these short, deep breaths. That’s how she tries to give me a hint that she’s frustrated and wants more room to breathe. Too fucking bad, you bitch. How the hell do you expect me to make room for you, when I no longer have room for my own arms since you just came and sucked up all the space? Thanks to you I look like a fucking sea lion that got paralyzed while clapping. And you’re pissed at me, when I was here first. Yeah. You know you’re in a childish fight when you gotta bust out the whole “I was here first” argument. Fuck that.  Most of the time when that happens, I just get up and let the fat bitch rude person have the space. It sucks, specifically those times when I’m travelling a long way, which is often the case, but. . .I’d rather stand than sit next to some fat bitch rude woman drenched in perfume. I’m not a fan of people invading my personal space. I have to keep my distance. You know, people can only get so close to me before they annoy me.

So anyway, there’s this chick sitting next to me on the train drenched in fucking perfume.

: : Ugh : : It’s bad enough we’re both so tightly squeezed into this space now, but the fact that she has soaked herself in this cheap, nauseating perfume is just *the cherry* on top of the perfect situation I want to be in, especially first thing in the morning. I knew she was coming before she was even in proximity to me. Why? Because she fucking reeks of that perfume stuff! And the worst kind, too. Seriously, of all the things you could smell like, you choose to saturate every pore in your skin with a fucking cotton candy scented fragrance? Why would you do that to yourself and to others? What’s the appeal? That’s so strange and juvenile. Like, when I think of cotton candy the first things that come to mind are cavities, the circus, and spare change. Are you a fucking perv that you wanna attract little kids or something? Do you think this makes you seem more youthful and stuff like that? I can’t imagine that men find that scent the least bit sexy. Yuck. This bitch was young and all. But still. Cotton candy. Cotton fucking candy. I like to smell good, too. I wanna be fresh, sexy, and clean-smelling at all times, and I also have a favorite fragrance I like to wear, so I get it. But I also love the combination of soap and deodorant. It’s simple and effective and a great foundation to build on. I mean this woman, she smelled so cheap (like she bought the bottle off some bum with some spare change) and it was just so overwhelming. Too much. I hate that kind of perfume. It gets all in my throat and makes me dizzy. I can even taste it. Then I get nauseated and I feel like the smell has permeated every layer of clothing I have on and gets stuck to my skin for days. I can smell it everywhere; I instantly got a headache when this chick sat next to me. Oh. My. God. I hadda hold my breath and everything. I was making a move to get up when she got off at the next stop and I was able to keep my seat. And yes, the bitch left a trail of cotton candy stench when she left. Wow. A chick with a baby pink sweatsuit with the word “JUICY” embroidered across the ass of her pants is wearing cotton candy perfume and she expects the world to take her seriously with this kind of presentation. Yeah fucking right, woman. Good luck with that.

Look, I’m not the kind of chick that does the “prim and proper” thing all the time, and I’m not even aware of the rules of etiquette. Fuck the rules, most of this shit is just common sense. But we’re not all fortunate to possess such simple gifts, so it should be noted that if the scent of your perfume enters a room (or subway car) before you do, then you are obviously wearing too much. And that’s considered rude. Wear that stuff for yourself and not for everyone around you. And even though I was kinda itching to knock her teeth out with a hammer, scrape her gums with a fork, and force her to gargle Clorox until her mouth rotted from her lips to her jaw, I know she didn’t do it on purpose or was even aware that she was disturbing the peace. She probably thinks it’s “pretty” or “cute” or whatever.

And it totally is “pretty” and “cute.”

When you’re five years old.

After that, not so much.

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