E ALL REMEMBER WHEN THAT DUDE FROM POISON FERGIE peed on herself while singing on stage somewhere back in 2004 and her people trying to play it off–and failing–saying it was just “sweat.” Um. Yeah right, dude. Ewww. You just couldn’t win that one, Ferg. And then there was Jessica Simpson’s ugly and untalented little sister Ashlee Simpson who had that disasterous performance as the “musical guest” (a term used very loosely) on Saturday Night Live in 2005. Well, the latest celebrity EPIC FAIL happened at Super Bowl XLV when Christina Aguilera made a flagrantly artificial attempt to sing and instead engaged in the tonsil-twisting insincerity of “oversouling” sang  the National National anthem at Cowboys Stadium and completely fucked up the words of the song half way through. The disaster below:

That’s why she is our first nominee to the 2011 Fergie Simpson Award for the Most Embarrassing Moments In A Vocal Performance. SMH. It’s bad enough she did a shitty job of singing the song, then she’s gotta fuck up the words, too? And I’m gonna come down hard on this chick because she is such a fucking diva. That’s right, if it had been someone else, there’s a chance I wouldn’t be so harsh and try to cut her some slack, but I can’t stand Christina Aguilera. This chick thinks she’s God’s gift to music as do most of these so-called divas. To me, she comes off so fucking arrogant and fake. She looks like a snob and she sings like a snob. She thinks being Christina Aguilera is enough and the people should be happy with whatever she gives them and however she decides to sing a damn song. Well, it’s clearly not enough and she isn’t as great as she thinks. Yes, she’s got a great voice, and I think she is actually seriously talented, but my issue with Xtina is that she’s always trying way too hard with her songs and her image. I’m not a music expert or anything, but to me it just sounds like she is always forcing her way into singing “sexy” and catchy pop songs when really that’s not what her voice is suited for. And instead of writing a really great album and singing these really great songs appropriate for the kind of voice she does have, she continues to belt out and push shitty techno / pop / oversexed / trashy / mediocre songs with shitty techno / pop/ oversexed / trashy / mediocre videos. Like, you’re not Britney Spears–be happy! That bitch can’t sing. You’re not Madonna, either–and there never will be another Madonna–but that’s OK, too. It’s perfectly fine. Madonna isn’t much of a singer either. . .and you don’t have to be controversial and sexed up and shit like she is. Be fucking Christina Aguilera. Whoever the hell that is. I personally like it when she does her subtle and “soulful” stuff, songs like this one (which is the only Christina Aguilera song I’ve ever come across on my own, that wasn’t in my face and played out on the radio annoying the hell outta me, and a song I actually like). Less is more with this chick. It’s better than sexy, it’s a sensual song and it shows off her range, but it’s not overkill like her voice usually is. It gets the job done.

Anyway, I digress. Surprise, surprise. ;-)

So yeah. She fucked up the words and now she’s catching some flack for it. Her people have issued an official cheesy, half-assed apology for the mistake. The Pee Monster Fergie came to her defense (surprise, surprise again! haha), but the flack continues. I’m sure it’ll go away before the week is over and become a thing to laugh at later on in life. (I’m getting a head start now, lol.) I mean if I were Christina Aguilera-and I’m not exactly dying to change places with this woman–I’d definitely try to laugh about it. She better be because plenty of people are laughing about it now, and it’s totally got me looking up past videos of other National Anthem FAILS. Michael Bolton’s not-so-shining moment below:

I’m not sure this one really counts as a fail, however. I think he did a good job. True, he forgot the words BUT he did the best thing you could do in preparation for a situation like this and that’s writing the words down on your hand and taking a quick peek. Better than making up the words. I have no beef with that awkward pause because I have plenty of awkward pauses in my daily life and he did a great job singing it. I love the way it ends. And I love it when people win the crowd after a huge blunder. And he did just that. He won them back. Aguilera has yet to redeem herself. Until then she can just take a seat in the National Anthem Hall of Shame with the likes of Steven Tyler, Josh Groban, R. Kelly, Carl Lewis, Hillary Clinton, this CATASTROPHIC National Anthem moment, and last but not least, the worst of them all, the cream of the crap, Kat De Luna’s version at Cowboys Stadium in Dallas, interestingly enough, the same place where Christina committed her faux pas. Watch:

I think people boo the singers who botch this song because of the weight it carries for the country. As they should. I can’t believe you could be a singer and not think that singing the National Anthem counts as a highlight of your career. Hello! If I had a voice and could sing like Christina Aguilera or Whitney Houston or whoever, I would think it such an honor to sing this song in front of the people and for the country. And these artists get to do it on more than one occassion if they’re lucky and they are definitely privileged to do so. Even before they even come on stage to sing it the announcer introduces them with “And now to honor America. . .so and so. . .” because that’s exactly what they’re doing–honoring America. It’s not something to be taken lightly. And I’m not saying Aguilera & Co., fucked up because they took it lightly. I’m sure that’s not the case. They get nervous. It happens. They maybe take it too seriously and let the pressure get the best of them. That’s probably the case. I’m not sure what it is, but I don’t think anyone is above taking the time to practice the words and to put in extra effort in case they are having doubts. I’m not sure Aguilera went the extra mile on this one. I’ve also looked up some of her other National Anthem performances and. . .they’re all just OK.

Anyway, not only am I enjoying these videos, but I’ve gone back to a classic one of Whitney Houston singing the song at the Super Bowl way back in the day, and it still stands the test of time as the best rendition to date. Take a look:

Awesome, right? To think she’s singing this song with a big possibility of being high on crack (and towards the end of the song she’s got the crack sweat running down her nose) and still does an amazing job is just a mind fuck. Well, she’s totally grinning like she got paid in crack to do that performance, anyway. My point, if I have one, is that if Whitney Houston can deliver a great performance of the National Anthem under shady conditions, Christina Aguilera, you have no excuse.

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