‘M AN UGLY, JEALOUS TROLL who desperately wants to trade lives with a famous Warlock. Some people think he’s bipolar and like “on opposite sides of the spectrum,” but that’s because they watch the news. Me? I know he’s really a bi-winning phenomenon: he wins here and he wins there. I can’t stand it; it makes me sick.
You see, every day I come home to my ugly husband and our ugly children and we just look at our loser lives and then we look at The Warlock on TV with anger and confusion and say “I CAN’T PROCESS IT.” But it’s not our fault that we can’t figure him out, though. I mean, you can’t process this guy with a normal brain! And he doesn’t expect us to, either. Besides, I’m a troll, remember? I don’t even think I have a brain. So even though I know that this man, (who goes by the name of El Puto Messtevez), is a hero—a “bitching, frickin’ rock star from Mars with Adonis DNA,”—since I can’t have his life I’d rather go all “sour grapes” on his ass and talk about him like he’s a smug asshole or something. A real fucking douchebag on the same level as that Tucker Max tool or. . . just anybody named Tucker, I guess, because that’s a really fucking stupid name. (Hey, they say you can’t trust a man with two first names, right?) And while that may or may not be true, what is definitely, absolutely, and 110 percent a FACT is that the greatest human being in the world right now is a male witch from the United States of America. This does not mean that witches from the counties of Essex, Suffolk, and Middlesex in colonial Massachusetts are also OK. They are not, and we must continue to put them on trial. Now, even though there’s no point in me bitching about not being able to have his awesome life, I’m gonna tell you all about it anyway.
A modern day Rumpelstiltskin, for the past nine years The Warlock has capitalized on his talent for turning the “tin cans” of one crappy sitcom into ratings “gold.” For this El Puto got paid an income of nearly two-million dollars per episode of said show, which really pisses me off because I too would like to get paid for doing practically nothing. And with this
excessive amount of money he was able to purchase a plethora of magical towers in Beverly Hills, isolated deep within the forests of California, where he currently lives in and employs the high-class services of two twenty-first century goddesses, (adult film stars who also act as babysitters to The Warlock’s children on occasion). How fucking cool is that?! I’m always caught in a situation where I need a porn-star and a babysitter around at the same time and here’s this guy who gets to have it all in one chick! No, TWO chicks! (What are the chances that I can find a goddess of my own on eBay? Last time I checked you could only get ’em at Hunts Point after dark.) Oh! And in this kingdom, which he named The Sober Valley Lodge, the wizard is using his gnarly power of healing to cure all his substance abuse problems with just the blink of his eye—DUH! In his leisure contemplating existence as he simultaneously seals the hole in the ozone layer using only the power of his mind. I just can’t process it! He’s right. It’s not fair!
True, compared to the average teacher’s salary in the United States, which is just over forty-six thousand dollars a year, my hero seems to have been grossly overpaid for this alleged “golden touch.” But hey, if those other people are being given a fancy living wage just for teaching the youth of America, then surely this Puto deserves a bonus for essentially doing the Work of God. A true martyr of fame and fortune, this gnarly gnarlington has suffered the torture of multi-million dollar contracts, global superstardom, and all the seven gram rocks of cocaine he can bang, (which he does, because that’s how he rolls) for the benefit of others. Yet speaking as an ugly, jealous troll I’d bet that even these so-called “nation builders” could provide the same half an hour’s worth of mediocre entertainment once a week for this kind of money. However, I am bitter and I hate to see people prosper.
But I digress.
The Warlock guises himself as an erratic and incomprehensible D-list film and television actor with delusions of grandeur and self-destructive behaviors during the day, only to reveal himself as a much more erratic and incomprehensible megalomaniacal Vatican Assassin demon at night. And everybody’s loving this shit right now! And it’s not because he has cast a wicked spell on the gentlepeople of America, blinding them to his greedy pursuits as he holds them hostage in their living rooms for a ransom of three million dollars to return to his work on the show. Whatever it is, it’s working. Ugh! My face is so red with envy right now. Why can’t I be a cold, two-faced, horrible human being?! Right now, I’m just a jerk; I’ve really gotta step it up because people love a good asshole.
And now, in an interesting turn of events, The Warlock is beginning to gather a legion of followers in the Twitterverse®*, and (whilst also looking for a summer intern), prepares to fight The Evil Eye Network that fired him from his somewhat beloved sitcom in an epic battle for Middle Earth prime time glory. That the millions are flocking behind this tiger-blooded mythical creature, applauding his malignant narcissism while I simultaneously belittle his actions here is not indicative of the writer’s inability to properly assess the events unfolding before her eyes, but rather sufficient proof that THE MASSES ARE ASSES.
As the forces of Evil take form in pseudo-muckrakers and unsupportive co-stars who try to drain The Warlock of his power, our hero continues to conquer the ugly media conglomerate that seeks to destroy his career riding wave after media wave on a Mercury surfboard to victory.
The Warlock is WINNING!
And I hate him for it, but I cannot take my eyes off the
*A virtual kingdom located beyond The Morphing Grid in the Power Rangers Universe™, and down the block from the gaming grid of “That Place Where Old Jeff Bridges Fights Young Jeff Bridges on a Bridge” more commonly refered to as TRON.