As usual, the folks at People Magazine have recently named yet another
ugly guy with a paltry amount of fame and a set of abs as the Sexiest Man Alive. This year it’s that guy from The Hangover Bradley Cooper, only a slight change from last year’s winner that guy who was not in The Hangover Ryan Reynolds, and definitely a far cry from Johnny Depp, who was declared the Sexiest Man Alive in 2009 and should be for the rest of his life. As I’ve said before, I understand that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” and all that crap. We all have different tastes in what we find attractive. I may think a man is good looking and you may not, and vice versa. It happens all the time, and it’s perfectly fine. For instance, I’ll tell my sisters that I think a guy is cute or attractive or whatever and they’ll vehemently disagree. And then when either of them points out a man she likes I’ll tell her she’s crazy for finding him attractive. I happen to be right though, because my sisters are in to butt ugly dudes. To each his own.
But I sometimes wonder, whenever I catch a glimpse of these magazines at the pharmacy or pass by them at the supermarket, who gets to pick the winner? Who decides the Sexiest Man Alive? Is there a panel of people who vote on this shit like the Survivor of “beautiful” people? Is it just one person whose pick for the cover is final? Hmmm. You know, it’s not dreadfully important or anything. Obviously. But in any case, I’d hope they at least let the people have a say in this. They should have a vote on it and let the public decide. Because if some guy’s face is gonna plastered on the cover of this magazine and seen all over the place, it should be a self-inflicted wound that society has brought upon itself, rather than an involuntary torture that the editors subject us to. I mean, where’s the sexy in Bradley Cooper? I don’t see it. What makes him so great? No, really, tell me–I’d very much like to know. Yeah, I guess it’s a change from seeing Brad Pitt or George-fucking-Clooney on the cover for the umpteenth time, but not by much. If you get to be the Sexiest Man Alive just for being famous and having abs, or whatever predominantly superficial reason there is, then the “honor” should have gone to Ryan Gosling. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t think Ryan Gosling is particularly good looking, either, but at least Ryan Gosling can act. He’s got talent. And that should given him the edge over what’s-his-face.
I’m really not trying to make it a bigger deal than it is, but at this point I think society has become so grossly obsessed with looks and beauty and looking a certain way–and this way has become the only way–that there’s really no room for the unconventionally good-looking, regular-looking folks, or anything but what you see on the covers of these magazines anymore. And that sucks. Because there really isn’t one right way of looking or one way to be “sexy.” And that’s all I’m saying. So if you like Bradley Cooper, good for you. If you think Ryan Reynolds is indeed the Sexiest Man Alive, more power to you. Nothing wrong with that. There are probably more people that think he’s sexy than not. But I don’t. I don’t find anything about these types attractive, and I’m tired of seeing images of the same homogeneous, muscle-laden, cheesy-looking bastard definitively revered as the ideal man. Look, I’m not gonna pretend that I’m all about brains, or that I only care about what a person has to offer on the inside. I’m not; that’s just not true, and it’s not true of any one. Come on, the first thing we literally notice about one another is our looks. So I’d be lying if I said I have no interest in “hot” guys. Or that I’m immune to muscles. Or other stuff like that. Are you kidding? I am human, and I am well acquainted with my libido, thank you very much. 300 is one of my favorite movies and needless to say, it’s not because of the award-winning performances. I loves me a great head of hair and strong arms. But as a “thinking woman” with “thinking woman’s needs,” if these things do get my attention it’s in a rare moment that has the life span of about 140 characters. It never gets beyond that, and everyone knows it. I don’t take to describing the men I have a serious interest in as “hot,” or “adorable,” and I do not find muscles attractive in the long run. In fact, I think they’re kinda. . .gross. I don’t like pretty people or people that don’t look real. And yes, I do find that I heavily gravitate towards intellect and those with an off-beat, witty sense of humor (among other veritable things), and no, I will not deny or apologize for liking what I like. I’m not afraid to admit that I think Robert Pattinson is one of the ugliest motherfuckers on the planet, or that Tyra Banks looks like an alien to me. I won’t hesitate to say that Bradley Cooper looks like a foot and Brad Pitt is boring to look at. BORING. There are however, plenty of celebrities that I find utterly attractive and good looking; dozens of men–smart, sexy men–who are often overlooked by the bicep-thirsty People Magazine editors and who would truly bring “sexy” back to the title. These are men whom I’d like to see on the cover one day soon and men who would really shake things up as the Sexiest Man Alive. So with the help of the people from Best Week Ever, I present The Smart Girl’s Guide to the Sexiest Man Alive.
John Slattery (aka Roger Sterling): John Slattery is a silver fox. Look at him. Just. Look. At. Him. He is RIDICULOUSLY good looking. The salt & pepper hair. THE GLASSES. The scholarly look. John Slattery is not messing around here. He had to be the first on my list. He’s obscenely handsome. Ugh. He also reminds me of a philosophy professor I wanted to fuck in college. (I’m one those chicks who gets crushes on the teacher, not on one of my fellow classmates.) If you really need a description for this one, just close out of this post. Seriously.
Ben Bailey (aka The Cash Cab Guy): I put Ben Bailey on the list because I am a little surprised at myself for finding him attractive. He’s tall and built, two things I don’t usually like in a man. But this guy is smart, cute, and very talented as a comedian. And I like a man who can keep me laughing.
Harry Shum, Jr. (aka That Guy from Glee): I don’t even watch that show, but Harry Shum, in my opinion, is the hottest man on Glee. Keep your Pucks, Keep your Finns, keep whoever else you can name before you realize this guy is also on this show, because none of them can rock those glasses like HSJ.
Chef Vikas Khanna (aka The First Chef): Culinary master Vikas Khanna is a an award winning Michelin Starred Indian chef, restaurateur, food writer, filmmaker, humanitarian and the host of the TV Show MasterChef India. Yes, he has an accent. And yes, it’s sexy as hell. On top of that, Chef Khanna’s amazing skills in the kitchen have brought him to the White House, not just once, but twice, where he created meals for both President Clinton and Obama. Who doesn’t love a man that can cook?
The Rev. Sir Dr. Stephen T. Colbert (aka Esteban Colberto): Stephen Colbert is the George Clooney of Hot Sexy Nerds. He is hilarious, humble, so good looking and so much fun to watch. He is America, and so can you!
Stanley Tucci (aka The Stanley Tucci): OK, here is where I get serious. I make no secret about my love for Stanley Tucci. He’s strong. He’s powerful. He’s funny. He’s cerebral sexy. He reeks of charisma and sophistication. He is a fine actor. And he’ll take good care of you, judging by the breadth of his forearms. STANLEYYYYYY.
Blair Underwood (aka the black James Bond): Blair Underwood. There are no words. Let me just say that this gorgeous man should’ve been on the cover of SMA at least 3 times by now. Denzel is the only black man to ever make it to the top of the list. Come on. Blair Underwood is severely handsome. He’s a gentleman. He offers mystery instead of danger, and intimacy instead of lust. But let’s not kid ourselves, we’d get under his wood any day. ;-)
Alton Brown (aka The Ultimate Geek Guru): I’ll admit that I don’t watch Iron Chef America just for Alton Brown’s delightful commentary. A certain Iron Chef Michael Symon also gets my attention. But only the geeky charm and good looks of Alton Brown keep me coming back for more. I mean, have you ever seen this man steam an artichoke? It’s sexy to the 10th power.
The Cast Of The Big Bang Theory (aka Doctors and Mister): One of my favorite shows on television. It’s like Friends for smart people. Watch and episode and let these guys blow your mind. There’s nothing we like better than a mindfuck, and physics never looked so good. And P.S., We’d like to try some applied physics of our own on Dr. Hofstadter. Just saying.
Jim Parsons (aka Dr. Sheldon Cooper B.S., M.S., M.A., Ph.D., Sc.D.): Speaking of Big Bangs, this is my celebrity crush and #1 pick for the Sexiest Man Alive, Jim Parsons. He is the brilliant man that brings the great mind of Sheldon Cooper to life on TBBT. He’s a theoretical physicist on TV, and an absolutely good looking man in real life. Dr. Sheldon Cooper, for the win!
Jesse Eisenberg (aka Awksomely Sexy): It doesn’t get any sexier than Jesse Eisenberg. This guy is unconventionally good looking, seriously gifted as an actor, socially awkward, and an awesome wit with a great head of hair. Jesse Eisenberg takes us to a new level of sexy nerdosity. Zombieland. Adventureland. Jesse Eisenberg would deliver a great performance in a movie about Candyland because he is that damn smart. He’s the ideal man and then some. Here’s to a lifetime achievement of being a smart, sexy man.
Justin Nozuka (aka 2 Degrees to Kevin Bacon): Singer, songwriter, and musician, Justin Nozuka is one of my favorites. A true artist who gives meaning to the word talent. The man creates music worth listening to, and is a lover with the voice of a fighter. Not a bad combination. Oh, and he’s also Kevin Bacon’s nephew. The hotness doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Lionel Messi (aka The GOAT): We always see athletes on the cover of magazines, but never are they as skilled, unique, and attractive as Argentine soccer superstar Lionel Messi. Messi is, at 24, the greatest futbol player in the world, and possibly the greatest athlete to ever play the game. He’s also a rule breaker: Leo is “shorter” than your typical soccer star, but his genius on the field time and time again has proven that your brain is your best asset anywhere. Muscles, muscles, everywhere. He’s tough. He’s sexy. He’s a striker. He’s the total package. We’d like to get a little Messi with him on and off the field.
. . .And there you have it, folks: a list of men whose DNA should be studied for abnormal quantities of sexy cells. They are eccentric, accomplished, good looking, witty, sophisticated, intelligent, and talented. They are so sexy it’s insane in the membrane. BAZINGA.
Is there anyone we missed? Who do you think is the Sexiest Man Alive? Cast your vote in the comments box.